We captured this gem on the way to Chinatown to take a picture in front of the CHINATOWNLAND sign – as we were walking through the pedestrian area Patti’s like, ‘Get the camera out.’ Nothing like a bunch of chess-playing Chinese dudes cooing (think 5th grade when you saw people kissing --- whooooooOOOOOOooooo) at their boy getting smooched by a red-headed lady on a Sunday afternoon.
Total success convincing metal thrasher salon owners that I need a fake tan for charity. Using skills and other natural talents, I cajoled them into a free SPRAY tan. What took place next is for the birds. I was ushered into a shower-ish type holding facility with my shorts, shirt and a pair of trashed black flys on--thanks Silverlake tan -- and proceeded to have nasty spray tan shot into my mouth and other orifices. As you can see it was a success however I am scarred for life. Though, doing this provided a deeper insight into the plight of all Long Islanders and their endless quest for the perfect tan.
A tattoo of LA. The city I was born in, the city I live in (lonely as I am), it was just a matter of where. It’s kinda small so initially, I thought my hand, then had to go with the neck because it was mo’ gansta. As I walked in a girl gave me the thumbs up displaying her “cleverness”. Damn, El Classico is da bomb.
This dude Ron lives in the neighborhood by my work so I scoot off looking him. I go to all his spots and find nothing so I head back to Sugar cause theirs always mega drunk dudes hanging out on Vendome. Sho nuff, bam! Found me a homeless dude. I convince him in Spanish (cause he's my people) to follow me back to the shop so someone there can take the picture. He held on too tight and had a hard time letting go. Gracias Paco!
Me and the Baddest Man on the Planet are flying back from Santa Monica or going as fast as I could - remember its' Labor Day weekend - when we get the news from Michelle that we have to find a Ukrainian menu. We get off the 10 onto Fairfax and head north. The spot Iron Mike mentioned is closed. We try and try again and nothing. We plan to find one online when we meet up at my house and bring that instead. Then completely forgot. Awesome.
After posing with my tranny beauty queen Chante, I made a right on Highland to grab a photo with (1) On top of the shoulders of a street performer and (2) to get a pic with a superhero. After watching a most vapid and tragic documentary on these H&H superhero vagaries I knew they wouldn't just let me try to jump on top of their shoulders for free, so I roll up to Batman and Joker and ask them how much it normally costs to get a photo with them lookin' all good. They say that they work for "tips" and when i ask them how much, the Joker turned coy and started shoe gazing. I said, "I'll give you $10 to get on yer shoulders," when the fatty Mexican Spiderman shouted, "C'mon, give him $20 for that." I turned around and asked Mexican Spiderman if he was the Joker's agent and told him to shut it cuz the Joker and I were cutting a deal. And voila!, 2-fer, with my feminine wiles intact.
The Undisputed Heabyweight Champs:Why the Baddest Man on the Planet only got one shoe on and her toe is in the Joker's pocket? I'm just saying...
Baddest Man on the Planet & the Drive Thru boy:I had dismissed the beach mission, but somehow, Kid Dynamite had convinced me that it was a task of utmost priority. On my way to Kid Dynamite's in Echo Park, having just left my house to shave my left leg, grab a weasel tooth, possibly get roller skates and take a pic with the Silverlake Walker, I head over to Echo Park on Rowena when The Undisputed Heavyweight Champs tells me that I need to kiss the drive-thru person. I get onto Glendale and get in the Jack in the Box driveway, roll up on Angie (my hoglette), and ask this dude if he would kiss me for scavenger hunt points and he said sure. As we're leaning in he says, "I'm totally gay girl, so you don't have to worry about anything," in my head i thought,'Yes,' and then I thought, 'Wonk, wonk.'
Kid Dynamite:The Baddest Man on the Planet and I drop off our bikes at my house and jump in Pegasus (the whip) straight to the freeway. Pegasus has been known to come through in a pinch and with the power of the magic crystal, we were unstoppable. It took us maybe 5 minutes to park. I stripped, ran into the ocean and while I was making sand angels... The Baddest Man on the Planet found a kid who was down to help us out. As we are about to strike a pose, I tell her to look really scared. Nice job kid, real convincing.
Iron Mike:Fucking gross. The kiss with Clive was a'ight. But Natas, man, ewww.
Baddest Man on the Planet:After taking pics of Iron Mike with the barely legible "Honk for Four More Years," I needed her to grab me a 40 and meet me at McDonalds. She peds over from the liquor sto' 'cross the street from McDonalds and we walk inside, strap the 40 of Mickey's to my arm and I get on top of a table, take my Van Halen air guitar stance, and she snaps it. Nothing too fancy.
Iron Mike:Made that sign in a jiffy and zipped down Sunset to show off my political handiwork. However, disaster struck when I got there and noticed the sign missing from my backpack. Shit, I whipped around and sped top speed down Sunset and there I saw it, floating around like a beautiful leaf in the median between traffic. I did not have time to spare, i.e. park the bike, dodge traffic to pick it up, than hop back on the hog. Alas, I had to channel the road warrior from Raising Arizona and scoop up the diapers myself. I rode steadily aside the median, when I reached the poster I leaned deep to my left and scooped up the poster going 20 miles an hour. It was fucking radical. Upon returning to the Vista to embarrass myself, the Baddest Man on the Planet was passing by and caught a pic. Thank goodness, for the militant lesbians who still have a hankering for GWB and provided the 5 honks I needed to move me on to my next challenge.
Iron Mike on getting 6 hickeys:Thanks to Cameron again, who was sitting silently in his house listening to metal, I presume. When I busted in and half-yelled, half- requested, his help in giving me 6 hickeys, taking a pic of Clive and I frenching and well, giving me something else.
Kid Dynamite:The Baddest Man on the Planet and I are the last to show up. We have less than an hour and have to stop by house on the way to downtown to make a final pick up. Bobby Brown. We get there we run, not walk, to the fountain. Ask a stranger to take our picture as some dude from another team tries to intimidate us by showing off his sideways mohawk. I immediately reply ‘You realize this is based on points, right?’ We jump in and then we're off!
Iron Mike:Grodi.
Iron Mike:Try getting a manager at Petco to allow you to ‘quickly’ take a picture with a baby iguana with a giant fake tattoo on your face and a bad fake spray tan. Try it.
Kid Dynamite:I was coming east bound on Sunset, heading back from Intelligentsia. Feeling a bit defeated after not finding the $5 guy. WTF! That fool is always there. I was feeling like I wanna bite someone's ear off! Then, I spot the Silverlake walker. He gave me the hope. He is mos def waaaaaaay cuter all up close.
Baddest Man on the Planet:My first task of the day, I'm flying down Santa Monica and the first place I think of is...Benitos, the Palace of butt soup tacos within the Queendom of Trannyville. I come to a screeching halt when I see Chante lookin all purty with her beer gut hanging out, flashing her crotch. I get off Angie, "Hey girl, can I git a picture with you?" She giggles, "Ah, me, okay." I take a close up, but then I wanted one with her and Angie (which still isn't that great). So I ask the guy working at Benitos to take a shot of me and Chante with Angie. "Oh, can I touch it?" Chante asks if she can put her hand on Angie's seat and naturally I say, "Of course, the world is your oyster." The burger-flipper/taco-stuffer emerges from the grease hut, snaps the pic. I would have asked her to be a proud team member but good pussy like that costs more dough than a girl like me has so, on to Hollywood & Highland.
Iron Mike:I was such in a hurry, shoes stayed on. For that reason, we should win alone.
The Undisputed Heavyweight Champs:We roll up to the Scientology Center on Fountain where security dude on the bike is immediately like, ‘What do you have in your pocket? I don’t like you disrespecting my religion. I just had 100 kids come here and ask me the same thing. You need to leave.’ There are great quotes in the audio recording of the conversation. No luck here – Patti citing her tattoo’d arms as why they think she’s the devil. It was only about 30 minutes after we secured pamphlets from the Celebrity Center and Patti convincing them that she was in a rush because her dad was waiting outside that we realize that we the tribal face tatts.
The Undisputed Heavyweight Champs:On the way to this spot, we see a dude pulling up his pants after having his picture taken in front of the Chinatown Business Council. Chump. I’m holding a picture of the sign on my phone – when did they take the sign down?!
Iron Mike:Aren't they cute?! Thanks to Jenny for snapping and David Browne for having it.
Kid Dynamite:I spotted an older lady on Vermont. Pulled up in my moped and asked for her for a lock of her hair. She’s German and doesn’t understand so she had me explain it to her son who was inside the store. At first he thought I was hitting him up for money but when he realized what I was really up to, he more then happy to help. When’s the last time you snipped a German lock?
The Baddest Man on the Planet on the weasel toof:I bought a weasel skull for an art piece of mine, nuff said.
The Undisputed Heavyweight Champs:Pacific Islander club in high school – I was the Vice President.
Kid Dynamite:Don't even trip. What kinda DJ would I be if I didn't own any BOBBY BROWN?
The Undisputed Heavyweight Champs:Second time I found myself in the trash. I just threw it away the day before - thank jebus trash day is Wednesday.
Iron Mike on getting the Trophy:This was shot in the dark. With only 15 minutes remaining before we had to re-convene to compare, contrast and tally up. I made call to PJ Acerno, he in turn made a call to the illustrious Kevin Willis, who like a Don of epic reputation, ordered his staff at the Cha Cha to provide me with a pristine trophy for pick up. Somebody rules.
The Undisputed Heavyweight Champs:One love to Scoops for having the least gross dumpster in all of Los Angeles. It was either this or Rancho Market – rancid carne asada is fo sho not sexy and may have turned this picture into a scene from Two Girls One Cup.
Iron Mike:How's this for the universe giving you lemonade: I walk into a rando bowling alley in Glendale, happen to run into the scary groundskeeper who lives in a bowling lane in the bowling alley and looks like he does, and convince him to give a pin for charity.
Gimmick condom given to Cameron & Iron Mike – Iron Mike:Well, you know, unless you want to fornicate...
Kid Dynamite:I don't even need to know what that means. It's genius.
The Undisputed Heavyweight Champs:Gangster.
Kid Dynamite:I'm not gonna lie, I'm kinda disappointed in myself for not being the slut I always thought I'd grow up to become.
The Undisputed Heavyweight Champs:Blurred for the these people’s protection. AND, the next day I remembered 5 more people. Sorry guys!
The Baddest Man on the Planet:I'm just glad that list is out of focus...
Kid Dynamite:On this day, we were VICTORIOUS!
The Baddest Man on the Planet:Killing it! I wanna stomp on your baby's testicles so that you know my pain!!!
